Thursday, June 28, 2012

A six month lesson.

Whoa... six months since my last post, huh? yeah... Winter wasn't so good here. In fact,  I think of the last Winter and I see that guy from Game of Thrones, wrapped in furs, brooding with his big sword. (I don't actually watch Game of Thrones.. I just follow the meme on FB. Don't judge.)

But it's half way through the half way month. A very on - the - edge sort of evening. A could go either way type of night.

A good day for starting and ending.

I came to a realization today, that I've slowly been working my way to over the last few weeks. The last few years, really. It wasn't an easy realization, although the truth became more apparent every day.

My dreams were making me bitter.

Not my dreams that I have at night, which are a different story altogether. My DREAMS. My wants, my desires, my longing ... to move West. To live in the Rockies. To wander.

I was sitting on my porch, breathing in the sweet smell of my aspen tree (I savor this, the week each year it blooms. It is the smell of home, to me.) and I realized that the smell of the tree.. the scent of my dreams.. made me feel bitter and angry.

Which kinda sucks, right? I mean, if you don't have your dreams, what do you have? Aren't we always told to hold on to our dreams? Isn't that the current pop psychology? "HOLD ON TO YOUR DREAMS. MAKE THEM REALITY."

Right. But.

Here I am, sitting on my perfectly nice porch, in my perfectly nice town, with an up and coming business of my own, a handsome teen son, a ferociously cute toddler boy, and a husband who works harder than he should...

and I'm not happy because I'm not in Colorado? Good Almighty Elements, Hil; YOU"VE EVEN GOT AN ASPEN TREE!

So I said to myself: "Seriously. Get a grip. You're turning in to someone you don't like. And if YOU don't like you, ain't nobody else gonna. Rule #1: Let go of what you want. If you love something, let it free. Be Here, Now. (Insert platitude.)"

And I heard a little voice.. a tiny, small voice.. the sort that could have come from, ooooh, a talking frog, let's say.. speak "Oh, Thank God. You got it. Here endeth the lesson."

I take it as a testament to my Higher Power's faith in me that they held on this long. I never lost faith in Them, either, even if They do sound like a frog. I just forgot Rule # 1. Let go of what you want.

I'll always love the West. I'll always see the Rockies when I think of home. And someday, I'll be there. But now, I'm here. And I've got a couple boys who seem to like me. I've got a big dog that I love to walk. I've got a good man. I've got a business of my own, and the probability of a partner to help me make it even better. I'm super lucky, and I know it. And if I can't be in Colorado, well then, Colorado will just have to come to me.

I've already got the Aspen Tree.

Here Endeth The Lesson.

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